Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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