he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
