How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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