as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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