Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
