Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Randomize
