im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
