I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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