I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize