so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
