That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
