So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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