i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Randomize
