70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
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