worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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