I think I am morally bankrupt
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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