I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
