I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Drunk is a universal language darling
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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