if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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