1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
