Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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