I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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