when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
