Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
