Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
