apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Every concussion has its silver lining
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
