Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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