the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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