Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
