Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
