He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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