We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
