they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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