I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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