i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
