you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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