I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
