Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
