don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
