Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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