Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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