6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
