You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
