new low.... made out with someone while peeing
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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