you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
