i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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