Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
But theres a keg here and me gusta
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
