you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
