He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
