I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
