Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
