Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
This gyro tastes like lonliness
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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