I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
