Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
