I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize