I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
