you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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