so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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