can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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