I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
