You made me cry and you don't even care
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
