So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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