trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
